Heart brittle at dawn’s river of loss
Frozen rafts of memory breaking off,
flotsam on morning sand
fragments grieving their fragmented home,
longing to be home
to be home.
Choices screaming calling me
through cold currents of thought
Visceral voices in my head
Were you asleep
when wading these waters you thought you had crossed,
you so long to cross?
Slippery footholds fumble underwater wintry waves
Struggling to hold on;
Searching to remember
Which way to go?
Where will I find home?
Why can’t I find the other side,
reach the other side?
In the wet watery half-grave
arising stream surrounding,
All thoughts pause,
no telling why;
And in the morning glow
I see the silver wings flipper-flap
their silent presence over me –
the river’s gift to me undeserved;
And hear their voices above the din of mine,
singing their timeless song;
A calm river reflects the rising sun….
reflects the rising sun.
And with long-slowing-struggling breaths,
I come to rest at last
My shivering silence
rising and falling on now-milder tides
As the silence points the way,
the silence points the way.
And as the boundaries disappear
and the rising river finds her level in me
the struggle dissipates:
Breath, river, air, me, the rising sun, no lines, no loss, no fretful wanting
no age-old longing
All becomes one – all is one
It is all one.
And so, beyond those drowning
waves I thought would be my end
I catch a glimpse – the journey’s reward
by ego’s wounded shouts and cries of pain
a fragile unfolding self breaks free
and beyond the water’s glassy top
I find at last
one whose holding me
The One whose always been
chris ahrends – sept 2012